Some anecdotes and funny
stories.
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!"says the man, "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"
"Nine..."
Beer note!!
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
The Portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Sneakers
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
No reason to stop!
A great speaker, while speaking to a large audience, paused and said "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." And a voice in the rear replied , "Go on, sir, it's still raining."
Sidewalk
A well-to-do, plump woman went to visit one of her sons who was a cadet. Wishing to surprise her son she went to his room unannounced. The dormitory was still under construction, and as she passed through a doorway a sliver of wood caught on her dress and made a hole in it. A cadet who chanced to pass by at that moment called out impudently, "Madame, you should have gone through that door sideways." The heavily built singer did not take offence. Laughing heartily, she said, "My dear sonny, I have no sideways."
Food for thought!
Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than80 lbs . Once there arose a
heated debate between Stevens and a Congressman who was tall and huge. At one
point in the debate the big Senator shouted, "Why, I could swallow you and
never know I'd eaten a thing." "In that case, you'd have more brains
in your belly than you ever had in your head," retorted Stevens.
Beautiful Lincoln
Lincoln had a great love for children. A little girl was taken by her father to see him at the White House.Lincoln
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!"says the man, "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"
"Nine..."
Beer note!!
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
The Portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Sneakers
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
No reason to stop!
A great speaker, while speaking to a large audience, paused and said "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." And a voice in the rear replied , "Go on, sir, it's still raining."
Sidewalk
A well-to-do, plump woman went to visit one of her sons who was a cadet. Wishing to surprise her son she went to his room unannounced. The dormitory was still under construction, and as she passed through a doorway a sliver of wood caught on her dress and made a hole in it. A cadet who chanced to pass by at that moment called out impudently, "Madame, you should have gone through that door sideways." The heavily built singer did not take offence. Laughing heartily, she said, "My dear sonny, I have no sideways."
Food for thought!
Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than
Beautiful Lincoln
Lincoln had a great love for children. A little girl was taken by her father to see him at the White House.
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